


Long and Winding Road

by PhaiFan



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-24 03:09:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12003735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhaiFan/pseuds/PhaiFan
Summary: Can you live apart from the other half of your soul? Alexander and Hephaestion struggle to find out. Much angst...but is there hope?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a sequel to "A Dish Best Served Cold", though I never set out to write one. As usual, my muses had other plans, and that damned Beatles song wouldn't leave me alone.  
> ************************************

Susa…  
\--------------

Alexander leaned against the railing on his balcony overlooking the beautiful city below and sighed heavily. He should have been happy. He had it all. He was the King of the known world, ruler of all. He had wealth, power, the mightiest army ever to march, and every luxury known to man available at a snap of his fingers.

The truth was, he was miserable.

He thought back over the events of the last few months. Their time here in Susa was meant to be a holiday for all of them, to relax, celebrate their victories, and celebrate merely surviving some terribly difficult times…Gedrosia for example. He still cringed slightly at the thought of that little adventure.

In honor of Dionysus, and to honor his own men, he organized great banquets, athletic competitions, and a drinking contest that hadn't gone quite as well as he had hoped. Many of his brave and valiant soldiers were decorated, and golden crowns given to Nearchus, Peucestas, and Hephaestion.

The greatest of the celebrations had been the marriage ceremonies. A large number of his officers had wed Persian noblewomen in a marriage ceremony that lasted five days, each man receiving a sizable dowry. It was Alexander's wish to unite Persians and Macedonians as one, something that he was finding to be harder than he anticipated.

Alexander had, himself, taken two wives. He married Stateira, a daughter of Darius, and Parysatis, a daughter of Ochus. He had given Drypetis, another daughter of Darius, to Hephaestion. Alexander wanted their children to be related and, in his romantic dreams of the future, secretly hoped that a child of his and one of Hephaestion's would marry…producing a grandchild that bore the blood of them both.

He frowned, wondering if that dream was ever to be.

There had been one troubling instance here in Susa. The Indian sage Calanus, who had been with him since they had conquered India and had proven a valuable advisor to Alexander, had grown old and requested to die in an appropriate manner. Honoring his wishes, Alexander had a big funeral pyre constructed, and Calanus burned himself alive…his way to complete his spiritual journey. The thing that troubled Alexander the most, however, was a comment that Calanus had made just before he died. The old man had looked at him and said "Alexander, we shall meet again in Babylon." Alexander was not sure what that meant, and he didn't know if it was some sort of omen, but it troubled him greatly.

In recent days he had been hearing that his Macedonian soldiers were unhappy with him, and with their situation as a whole. He thought that giving them Persian wives and large dowries would be a great gift to them, but it seems that a number of the men really did not approve, and would seek to divorce their wives if they thought they could do so without offending Alexander.

That angered him slightly. He had thought he was doing them a great honor. The whole lot of them seemed ungrateful.

To make things worse, the recent arrival of 30,000 young Bactrians, who had been given Macedonian military training, had caused a good deal of resentment, both spoken and unspoken. In his quest to unite Macedonian and Asian, he had accepted Persian aristocracy into the royal cavalry bodyguard. This did not go over well at all with his Macedonian old guard, who felt their own positions were threatened. There seemed to be a great deal of concern among his veterans that they were to be replaced with an army of Asians.

Alexander gave an undignified snort and shook his head. They just didn't get it.

If Hephaestion had been here, he would have no doubt known the perfect thing to say or do to smooth things over. Hephaestion, ever the diplomat, would have been able to keep everything running smoothly, and keep Alexander from making an ass of himself in the process.

Alexander sighed heavily. If only Hephaestion were here. It had been months since they had seen each other, even longer since they had mutually agreed to end their intimate relationship.

Alexander had to admit that it was entirely his fault. Hephaestion had never wavered in his love and loyalty. Alexander shook his head, closing his eyes and releasing another heavy sigh. No, the fault was his and his alone. He had taken Hephaestion for granted, ignored him, used him. And then there were the others he had taken to his bed, not once considering how Hephaestion might feel about all of it. And he had expected Hephaestion to remain faithful. Ha! What a hypocrite he was. It was only after Hephaestion finally confronted him about all of it that he saw what he had become. He had become selfish, blinded by his ambitions, careless and uncaring towards those he claimed to love.

Hephaestion made a simple request. Allow him the freedom to find a life of his own, to find love of his own, to see if he still had dreams of his own. If Alexander was not willing to do that, Hephaestion said he would request to return home to Macedon. Alexander really had no choice. He knew he would be lost without Hephaestion, so he reluctantly made the decision to give Hephaestion his freedom. Hephaestion had, in return, agreed to remain with Alexander in a professional capacity.

They were now estranged. Their interactions had been civil, but strictly business. Hephaestion seemed to have moved on, having taken one of his pages to his bed from time to time, and now having a wife of his own, but things aren't always as they seem. Even though they had mutually agreed on the terms of their separation, it had grown increasingly difficult for both of them. Seeing each other every day, knowing what they had lost, constantly reminded of what they would never have again, proved too much.

Now, Hephaestion was gone.

"And that," Alexander thought, "is why I'm so miserable."

He had to get out of this of this place, so he made the decision to move them out of Susa. Their eventual destination was home, of course, but he wasn't going directly there. His men need a change of scenery and something to lift their spirits and restore their faith in him. Restoring faith in himself would be much harder.


	2. Chapter 2

Susa - Three months earlier…  
\-------------------

Hephaestion hadn't slept all night. He had tried, but to no avail. The troubling thoughts running through his mind would not leave him be, so he sat and ruminated on them all night. His head hurt, his back was sore. The ache in his heart was far worse.

He rose from his chair to pour himself a cup of wine and wandered over to the window, sitting down on the wide stone window sill. Susa was beautiful. He had a lovely view from here, similar to the view from his rooms in Babylon. He missed Babylon, actually. He had loved it there, especially the spectacular gardens the city was famous for. He used to use the gardens as an escape when he needed to unwind. They were so peaceful and relaxing.

It was early, and the red, orange and gold of sunrise was just starting to show in the east. There was little point in trying to get any sleep now. He had a desk full of things that needed his attention, people he needed to meet with, and list went on. He sighed. He honestly felt like he had become a glorified secretary at times.

His new title of Chiliarch was an honor, and a huge responsibility. It made him second in command behind the King himself. It also made him a target for jealousy and hatred from some. Oh, he had heard it all before, and most of the time he didn't let it bother him. Sometimes, though, it grew tiring.

He had thought that when he and Alexander had ended their relationship, the gossip and snide remarks would stop. He couldn't have been more wrong. He still heard the whispered title of "king's whore" when they thought he couldn't hear. Or maybe they did want him to hear. It didn't matter. There was no shortage of snarky remarks about his new title, and just how he had earned it. On his knees seemed to be a common view. The ones who knew of his estrangement with Alexander now laughed at him for falling out of favor with the king.

He sighed in frustration. No matter what he did, he just couldn't seem to win.

He had spent the last week sorting it all out in his head and trying to decide what he should do. He kept coming back to the same conclusion, though he tried desperately to think of something else. No, he knew what he had to do now. Best to get it over with.

He washed himself and dressed in his favorite blue silk robe and trousers. He was preparing to leave his room when he heard a light tap at the door. He crossed the room and opened the door to find one of his pages there with a handful of parchments, no doubt more work for him to do. He motioned for the guards to let the boy enter, taking the stack of papers from him and tossing them down on the desk without looking at them. As the page turned to leave, Hephaestion stopped him with a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Kostas, stay close today. I may need your help later. Let the others know that I will most likely need them as well." He released the boy and stepped aside to let him out. "I will send for you later."

The boy smiled and nodded before turning and leaving.

Hephaestion drained the last of the wine from his cup, took a deep breath, and stepped out into corridor. He knew Alexander would already be up, and would most likely be taking his morning meal. He hated to interrupt him, but he could put this off no longer. Flanked by his guards, he walked the short distance to Alexander's rooms.

Upon reaching Alexander's rooms, he stopped at the door. In times past he would have simply gone in. Alexander's guards would have let him pass unless they had been ordered to do otherwise. But now, things had changed.

"Would you please let the King know I need to speak with him?"

The head guard nodded and disappeared into Alexander's quarters. He returned after a brief moment and addressed Hephaestion.

"He said to please come in."

Hephaestion swallowed hard and stepped inside, his heart pounding in his chest. This was a conversation he didn't really want to have.


	3. Chapter 3

Alexander stood facing his desk, drumming his fingers nervously on the desktop. He wasn't sure what Hephaestion needed to see him about, but he had a huge knot in his stomach.

They had not exactly been on the best of terms lately. Actually, things had gone steadily downhill since the incident with Hephaestion and Craterus. Alexander had been mad, and sometimes men say things in anger that they do not mean. Sometimes it seems to be the ones you love the most, and feel the safest with, that you lash out at first. This fight had been proof of that. He never meant to tell Hephaestion that he would be nothing without him. He didn't really believe that. Yet he had directed the nasty remark at Hephaestion, publicly humiliating him. He had regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.

They had reconciled in public, the three of them, and Hephaestion and Craterus had never crossed swords again. Privately, Alexander and Hephaestion had talked about the incident. Hephaestion had been, understandably, thoroughly pissed off. After a long, intense conversation, Alexander convinced Hephaestion that he was sorry, and Hephaestion seemed to accept the apology.

The damage had been done, however. Outwardly everything had returned to normal, at least at first. They had laughed, shared meals, and talked as before. But, there was a hardness, an edge, to Hephaestion that had not been there before. There was a barely discernible wall around Hephaestion now, and it was a fortress that Alexander didn't seem to be able to penetrate. Hephaestion, of course, denied its existence, but it was there.

Things grew worse over time. Alexander admitted that most of it was his own fault. He had let things go to his head. He had grown selfish and self-centered and concerned only with his own needs. Babylon was rich with every luxury one could imagine. Alexander got caught up in it, as had many of them, but in doing so he had left something behind. Or rather, someone.

Alexander sighed. So many things had come between them. His marriage to Roxanne had not gone over well at all. Hephaestion didn't begrudge him an heir of course, but he disapproved of her as a wife. Hephaestion and Roxanne instantly disliked each other. Then there were the others that Alexander had taken to his bed, the worst of whom was Bagoas. Hephaestion put up a good front, but Alexander suspected that he had never forgiven him for that.

After any months of barely concealed tension, Hephaestion had finally had enough. He had cornered Alexander one day and expressed all the hurt, anger and frustration that he had been holding inside. Alexander again tried to apologize, but he couldn't honestly tell Hephaestion that he would not make the same mistakes again. Hephaestion needed more. Hephaestion had been ever faithful, never once wavering in his love and devotion to Alexander. Alexander sadly could not say the same.

After many hours of talking and soul searching, they had finally agreed to end their intimate relationship. Hephaestion's heart couldn't handle it anymore, and he wanted the freedom to find happiness of his own somehow, somewhere, and to see if he had any dreams of his own left. He had agreed to stay with Alexander on a professional level, knowing his services were greatly needed. But that was it. There was nothing else between them now.

Alexander had never gotten over it. Seeing Hephaestion every day here in Susa was incredibly hard, but he honored their agreement and kept his distance. Hephaestion was nearly impossible to read, so Alexander really had no idea how he was coping with things. Hephaestion's walls were more impenetrable than ever.

Now, waiting for Hephaestion to come in, he had a sickening feeling he knew what was coming.


	4. Chapter 4

Hephaestion took a deep breath and stepped into the room. Alexander was facing away from him, drumming his fingers on the desk. For a moment he said nothing, but merely stood there, waiting.

Finally, Alexander turned to face him, his expression one of apprehension and uncertainty. He nodded his head slightly. "Hephaestion, please. Have a seat." He motioned towards one of the chairs.

Hephaestion shook his head. "No, I will stand." He sighed. "Alexander, I need to speak with you about something…" he hesitated.

Alexander reached for a carafe of wine, pouring himself a cup and pouring one for Hephaestion. He handed Hephaestion the cup, and watched as he drained it in one gulp…something Hephaestion typically did not do. This did not bode well. Alexander sat down on the desk, searching Hephaestion's face, totally unable to read anything in his expression. Hephaestion's mask was securely in place.

Hephaestion looked down, standing silently. When he raised his head, his eyes were the saddest that Alexander could remember seeing them. Alexander's heart sank instantly.

"Alexander…." Hephaestion took a deep breath before he continued. "Alexander, this isn't working."

Alexander said nothing for a moment, praying to all that was holy that Hephaestion didn't mean what he thought he meant. He spoke quietly. "What isn't working, Hephaestion? What do you mean?"

Hephaestion walked over to the window, the early morning sun catching the auburn highlights in his hair. Turning, he shook his head sadly. "Us, Alexander. This." He motioned with his hand indicating the space between them. "I can't do this anymore."

Alexander saw no point in pretending he didn't know what Hephaestion was talking about. He had suspected this day would come, had been dreading it for months. "What do you want?" he asked.

Hephaestion paced in front of the window a couple times before dropping down into a chair, rubbing his forehead. "I would like to return to Babylon. I can perform my duties as Chiliarch from there with no problem. It honestly makes more sense for me to be there."

Alexander frowned. "And away from me."

"And away from you" Hephaestion agreed.

Alexander leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed in a defensive posture. "Am I so bad that you can't be near me any longer, Hephaestion?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "No, Alexander, that's not it at all." He sighed and looked at Alexander sadly. "I am with you every day, yet I cannot touch you. My heart aches for what we have lost, and constantly being with you only reminds me of what I do not have any longer. Of what once was."

"But we agreed that you could stay and help me, Hephaestion! You said you could do that for me!" Alexander felt panic rising within him. He did not honestly know what he would do without Hephaestion.

"I did agree to that. And I honestly thought I could do it." Hephaestion searched Alexander's face, his eyes pleading for understanding. "I still love you, Alexander. I always will. I will do anything for you, save this. I simply cannot stay here any longer. Every day this empty space inside me grows. I have tried to fill it, but nothing will ever do that. I have to get away, Alexander. I have to try and heal from this before it kills me."

Alexander was silent, letting Hephaestion's words sink in, his eyes fixed on the floor. Finally he looked up, a shimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. "What will you do?"

Hephaestion willed himself not to cry. "I will take Drypetis, my pages and a few of my men, and I will return to Babylon, as I said. I will work from there. I will try to move past this, though I am honestly not sure that is possible. I have to try."

"Please don't leave me, Hephaestion" Alexander pleaded. "I cannot do this without you."

Hephaestion closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Alexander, don't make this any harder than it already is."

Alexander wanted to go to him, pull him into his arms, kiss him, and return things to how they once were. He forced himself to stay still. "When will you leave?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

Hephaestion rose from the chair and took a step towards Alexander, catching himself before he went any closer. "I would leave tonight." He sighed heavily. "I need to get this over with before I talk myself out of it."

Alexander nodded. "Fine. Take what you need. Do what you have to do." He smiled a very sad smile. "I do understand, whether I want to or not. I want you to be happy, Hephaestion, and you obviously cannot do that here. So, let us say our goodbyes now."

The two men stood, separated by mere feet, but it might as well have been miles. Both were afraid to move, afraid to speak. Finally Hephaestion stepped back and turned towards the door. He had to get out of there. "Health to you, Alexander. Be safe." He left, closing the door behind him. "I shall always love you, Alexander" he whispered under his breath as he walked away, tears blinding his eyes.

Alexander stood in the middle of the room, unable to move. He was numb. He had feared it would come to this, and now…now he was simply lost. "Oh Hephaestion, what a fool I am." He sank into a chair and let the tears fall.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that evening, Alexander stood off to the side, out of sight of Hephaestion, watching him prepare to leave. The sky was gray and cold, matching his mood perfectly. He watched Hephaestion get everything ready, his pages and guards mounted and ready to ride, his wife comfortably in her litter, all their baggage and a few slaves at the rear.

Alexander stayed in the shadows, hidden. He said a silent prayer to the gods to watch over Hephaestion as he watched the Chiliarch mount his own horse and gather the reins. Hephaestion looked around, no doubt looking for Alexander, but Alexander could not face Hephaestion, could not say goodbye to him now. After looking around sadly for a few more moments, Hephaestion gave the order to move out.

A steady, cold rain began to fall as Alexander watched them ride away. He stood in the rain, watching, until Hephaestion was just a speck in the distance, and finally disappeared from sight altogether as the winding road curved behind the mountains.

Alexander turned, feeling utterly defeated for the first time in his life, and trudged back to his rooms, his tears mingling with the rain as it washed away the last of his dreams.


	5. Chapter 5

Babylon - Several months later…  
\----------------------------------

Drypetis woke a couple hours past midnight, reaching over and patting the now empty space next to her in her bed. This had been one of those rare nights that her husband had come to her and shared her bed. It was not like him to leave without telling her, so she sat up, looking around the darkened room, lit only by the light of the huge full moon outside. Hephaestion had not left. He was sitting in a chair by her window, his face turned towards the moonlight, his eyes closed, though not in sleep. She watched him in silence, ever in awe of just how breathtakingly handsome he was. It bothered her to see his brow furrowed and his lips slightly downturned in the beginnings of a frown.

She thought back to their wedding, to how terrified she had been, and to how her breath had caught in her throat when she finally saw the man she was to marry. She had been the envy of most of the other women, who all wished they were marrying someone as handsome and powerful as the newly appointed Chiliarch. She recalled trembling through most of the ceremony, afraid of what was to come. She had heard stories of how men often treat their wives, and she was quite aware that not all of King Alexander's men were so happy to be doing this. She truly hoped that her husband-to-be would not take it out on her.

She smiled slightly, remembering how all the breath had left her lungs when, after they were married, her new husband had lifted her veil and she was met by a smile and eyes of the most beautiful blue she had ever seen. She had been afraid he would resent her, but that smile set her at ease immediately. There was something about him…an air of calm and respect…and she allowed herself to hope that this might not be so bad after all.

When he had come to her room that night, she had been terrified, despite the ease she had felt earlier. The stories so many of the women told quite frankly scared her to death. They said that the men would take them forcefully, barely speaking to them, basically raping them. She had heard that the act itself was painful and rough, and she dreaded what was to come.

Her husband had been nothing like that. He had been extremely gentle with her, taking great care not to hurt her. In the end, any discomfort she felt was nothing compared to the feeling of giving herself to a husband she already liked and respected.

He had not come often to her bed, which did surprise her, but would often come and just sit and talk with her or share a meal. He seemed to enjoy her company and having conversation with her. He often asked her for her opinion on things, and seemed genuinely interested in anything she had to say.

It was no surprise, then, that in a short amount of time she grew to care for him very deeply.

After spending a good deal of time with him and getting to know him, she began to pick up on things she hadn't noticed before. There always seemed to be a part of him that he kept hidden, as if he were holding his emotions tightly in check. Whenever she asked anything about King Alexander, a shadow would immediately cross his face and that wall would go up. He seemed…sad. She never pressed him on it, but she did wonder…

She had heard the rumors, and rumors were rampant there in the palace, that her husband and King Alexander had once been lovers. At first she dismissed the idea, thinking that was surely not true. But as she came to know Hephaestion, she started to think the rumors might be true after all. When he was willing to talk about the King, his whole demeanor changed. A profound sadness would cloud those startlingly blue eyes, and he would get lost in his thoughts, sometimes not even hearing her speak after that.

Since arriving in Babylon a few months ago, his sadness had increased, and his temper had grown short, though he never directed it at her. It was as if he left a large part of himself behind when they left Susa. Something was dreadfully wrong.

After several months of this, she knew. Not only were the rumors true, but the man she had married was still obviously in love with the King. Whatever had happened, it had apparently broken his heart. At first she felt jealous, but after a time she simply felt bad for him. He was such a good man, and he deserved to be happy. It didn't take too long to figure out that she could never truly make him happy herself.

As she sat on the bed, watching him, she knew what she had to do. A low sigh escaped her lips as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and wrapped a silk robe around her body. So lost in thought was he that he did not hear her pad barefoot across the room, coming to stand behind him.

When she laid her hands gently on his shoulders, he jumped, startled.

"Gods, Drypetis! You startled me! I did not hear you get up. Did I wake you ? I am sorry."

"No, my husband, you did not wake me." She hesitated slightly. "Are you alright? You are not sleeping."

She noted the way he sighed heavily and did his best to mask the sadness on his face.

"I am fine. I could not sleep. I apologize if I have disturbed you."

Drypetis moved around in front of the chair and dropped to her knees before him, taking his large hands in her small ones. She drew a deep breath, gathering her nerve. It wasn't like she would be losing him. She never had him in the first place.

"I think we need to talk."


	6. Chapter 6

Hephaestion finished reading the letter he had received from Ptolemy the day before, for the second time. The two of them had kept in touch, with Ptolemy keeping him up to date on everything going on, and on Alexander himself.

Hephaestion frowned and shook his head. Gods, what a mess things had become. He wasn't sure if he wished he was there to help, or if he was glad to be away from it all. After leaving Susa and moving them to Opis, it seemed that Alexander had unleashed a firestorm and was battling hard to regain the love and loyalty of his men.

It seemed that everything Alexander had done since arriving in Opis had backfired. The things he did intending to honor his men were taken as insults. He offered to send the veterans home with full pensions and said that they would be treated as heroes at home. Rather than seeing that he was giving them what they wanted by sending them home, they felt threatened and felt as if they were being replaced.

Tensions between Alexander and his Macedonian veterans had been festering since their refusal to go any further when they had reached the Hyphasis river. The men all wanted to go home, it was as simple as that. He had been forced to turn for home, something that stung him greatly. Yet, nearly two years later, they were still on the move.

Ptolemy's letter described the scene of total chaos when the tensions finally came to a head there in Opis. Insults were shouted, the men mocked Alexander's relation to Zeus Ammon, and Alexander ended up sulking in his tent like Achilles. The army had openly defied him.

The men hated the way Alexander had adopted so many Asian customs, seemingly expecting them to do the same, and their Asian replacements were a slap in the face to veteran soldiers who had given their lives to follow Alexander.

It had become a game of politics and policy, each side clamoring to make their point. Alexander had threatened to give the Macedonian military commands and titles to Persians, and to proceed with an army of Asians, accusing his veterans of basically abandoning him. In the end, an uneasy truce was reached.

To be honest, Hephaestion doubted some of what Alexander had told the men. He was not entirely convinced that Alexander wasn't in fact insulting the men and trying to guilt them into going along with his wishes. It bothered Hephaestion greatly that he even entertained those thoughts, but knowing Alexander as he did, and the way he had changed in recent years, it was certainly possible.

Hephaestion tossed the letter aside and stretched out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Did he really want to go back to all that? His duties as Chiliarch kept him busy enough here, and he had politics of his own to deal with, but nothing as explosive as the situation in Opis.

He recalled his conversation with Drypetis from a few days ago, and sighed heavily. She was right. He was miserable. She had seen clearly what he had been trying to ignore for months.

He felt very guilty. Drypetis was everything a man could hope for in a wife. She was beautiful, kind, generous, intelligent, and witty…but he didn't love her. She knew that. He enjoyed her company, as a friend. He had shared her bed from time to time, but not the way a husband should have. He knew he had hurt her feelings, making her wonder if she had done something wrong.

After their conversation, it was clear she had finally figured out exactly what the problem was, and she had told him in no uncertain terms what she thought he should do about it. He chuckled softly. She was certainly never shy in speaking her mind.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes, wishing he could make it all just go away.

If he went back, then what? How would things be between them? What did he want things to be? Had too much damage been done, or was there some glimmer of hope for the two of them? He honestly had no answers for any of those things.

He knew what he had to do. Rising from his bed, he dressed himself not in fine Persian silk, but in a simple chiton, his cavalry boots, and his favorite red cloak. He was feeling a bit nostalgic, he supposed, and somehow the plain, familiar clothing seemed comforting.

"Kostas!" he called to his page.

The boy was immediately at attention in front of him, smiling. "Yes sir?"

Hephaestion smiled gently at the boy. He allowed the young man to share his bed a few times, and genuinely enjoyed his company. The boy was not going to be at all pleased with what he had to say.

"Gather the others, Kostas. Have everyone meet me in the council room in an hour. I need to speak with you all.

Hephaestion dismissed him and then headed for Drypetis' rooms. He had to tell her. She was not going to be surprised, obviously, but she would be sad nonetheless. She cared for him enough, though, to let him go.

He truly hoped he was doing the right thing. Only time would tell.


	7. Chapter 7

Opis…  
\---------------

"Gods! Why must they be so stubborn?" Alexander huffed, totally exasperated. "Why must they take everything I do as an insult?" He shook his head in frustration. "Ptolemy, have I lost all respect from them? Is there anything I can do that won't piss them off?"

Ptolemy shook his head slowly, his expression grim. Publicly the men had made up with Alexander after the major blowup they had not that long ago. In private, however, there was still a great deal of resentment and mistrust. The threat of mutiny still lingered just below the surface.

"They just need more time, Alexander. There have been a lot of changes. These men are old school Macedonians. They don't deal with change well, especially if they feel it threatens their pride." He sat down across from Alexander at the large wooden table. "These are, as you well know, proud men. They love you, Alexander. They do. But if I may be honest, they question your love for them in return."

Alexander frowned. "But I'm not replacing them! I thought I made that abundantly clear! I thought they wanted to be sent home! By Hera, will they just make up their minds?"

"Well, at least Craterus took the news of you sending him to lead the others home fairly well. I admit I was afraid he would take offense. He is used to being at your side, and I think he almost feels responsible for you in a way."

Alexander snorted. "Just because I'm younger, he seems to think I can't manage things without him and his command." He shook his head. "It seems that no one has any confidence in my abilities these days." He stood and paced the room, his frustration and irritation showing. "Oh, I know Ptolemy. I know they have felt this way for a while now. They don't want to be here. I'm no fool. I know what they think."

Ptolemy sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Things have grown steadily worse since…" he caught himself before he finished the sentence, wishing he could retract it.

Alexander held his gaze steadily. "Say it."

"Since Hephaestion left. Things have gotten worse since he left." Ptolemy frowned. "No matter what people think of him, he held things together in one way or another. Most of the men admire and respect him, and they knew they could count on him. He is very much the diplomat, and not only with foreigners. But you know that already."

Alexander nodded. "Yes, don't think I'm not aware of that. They trusted him to keep me in line I think." He gazed out the window, lost in his thoughts for a moment. "You keep in touch with him, don't you?" he asked softly.

Ptolemy nodded. "Yes."

"I have only corresponded with him regarding business matters since he left. We have not talked of anything personal." Alexander bit his lip and looked down at the floor. "How is he, Ptolemy? Is he well?"

"He says he is, yes." Ptolemy's voice did not sound convinced.

Alexander looked up. "You don't believe him?"

Ptolemy shook his head. "I think there is a lot that he simply will not talk about. You know Hephaestion. He is stubborn and stoic so much of the time. If he were crying himself to sleep every night, no one would ever know of it. He tells me he is well. He says that things are running smoothly, that he enjoys being back in Babylon, talks occasionally of some story he heard or something funny that happened. But none of those things are very personal."

"Does he speak of his wife? I wonder if she will give him an heir."

"He says only that she is a beautiful and kind woman, that he enjoys talking with her, and that she would make a good mother. That is as personal as he gets."

Alexander frowned. "I wonder if he still takes his page to his bed sometimes." His voice had a bitterness to it.

Ptolemy looked at Alexander, biting his tongue not to say too much. Alexander certainly had no right to question anyone on taking people to his bed. Hephaestion had every right to do so. "I do not know, Alexander. He never mentions it…and I don't ask him things like that."

Alexander rubbed the back of his neck, tension obvious in his demeanor. He shook his head sadly. "I really have no right to ask that, do I?"

"Do you want me to answer that honestly?" Ptolemy asked.

"No. I know the answer to that. I have no right to ask anything of him." He paced across the room and dropped down into the chair across from Ptolemy, a frown on his face. "I suppose I am lucky he hasn't told me what to go do with myself. I am lucky he speaks to me at all." He looked down sadly. "I've really screwed things up, Ptolemy." He looked up again, regret filling his eyes. "I wonder if it is too late to fix this. I wonder if he would forgive me?"

A knock on the door saved Ptolemy from having to answer that question. He really wasn't sure what to say anyway. The door swung open and Nearchus entered the room, an odd expression on his face.

"Alexander…" he began, "the scouts have alerted me to a man on the road. He is headed here."

Alexander looked confused. "Why are you telling me this, Nearchus? People come and go all the time. Why does this concern me?"

Nearchus glanced at Ptolemy, then back at Alexander, clearing his throat. "I think you need to come see this one, Alexander. Just…trust me. You need to come."

Alexander rose from his chair and nodded. "Fine, if you think it is important enough to demand my attention, I will come. Ptolemy? Come with me."

The three men left the room and made their way out of Alexander's tent, stopping at the side of the road. In the distance, a lone rider was approaching. As the man drew closer, Alexander suddenly gasped. He blinked, sure that his eyes were playing tricks on him. He watched, wide eyed, as the rider made straight for them, finally easing his horse to a stop directly in front of Alexander.

Alexander drew a deep breath, still not believing what he saw. He spoke one name, softly, almost reverently.

"Hephaestion"


	8. Chapter 8

Hephaestion's breath caught in his throat. He had tried to prepare himself, but seeing Alexander standing there…he forgot everything. Taking a breath to calm himself, he swung his leg over and slid down from his horse's back, turning to face Alexander. Suddenly he couldn't think of anything to say.

Alexander's expression was one of wonder and apprehension. For a few moments, the men simply stood, staring at each other. Finally Alexander cleared his throat and broke the tense silence.

"Hephaestion, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, Alexander" Hephaestion stated simply. "I apologize for not giving you notice that I was coming."

Alexander shook his head. "No, please, don't apologize. I am glad to see you. I am just…surprised." He reached out a hand as if to touch Hephaestion's shoulder, but pulled it back. Things between them were not the same as they once were, and he did not feel comfortable touching Hephaestion without permission.

Hephaestion wanted to reach for Alexander and draw him into an embrace, but the nature of their relationship did not presume such intimacy now. Even after all this time of being separated, the urge to hold Alexander, to touch him, was nearly overwhelming. He forced himself to remain still, not really sure what to say. He knew why he had come, but he had spent the entire trip there trying to second guess himself and convince himself that he did not need Alexander, did not want him. He had failed miserably.

Once again, they stood silently, each unsure of what to say or do. It was an awkwardness that broke Alexander's heart. How had things come to this? Oh, he knew well the answer to that question. The blame was entirely his. Finally he shook his head to clear his thoughts and tried to manage a smile, though it wasn't a very convincing one.

"You must be tired, Hephaestion. And hungry. Let me arrange quarters for you. I'll have my slaves draw you a bath and bring you a meal. You can rest." He hesitated slightly, drawing a breath to steady himself. His nerves were on edge. "You said you wanted to see me. We can talk whenever you want."

Hephaestion nodded. He really was tired and hungry, and he now needed the time to regroup and settle himself again. He wanted a clear head before he met with Alexander.

"That would be appreciated, Alexander. Thank you."

Alexander looked behind Hephaestion with an expression of concern as he just realized that Hephaestion was alone. "You traveled alone? No guards? No pages? No slaves?" He frowned. "Hephaestion, that wasn't very safe, or very practical. Why did you come alone?"

"I didn't need anyone. I didn't want anyone. I brought a pack with a few things I need, and that is enough. " He knew Alexander would set him up with whatever he needed when he arrived, and he didn't think bringing Kostas along was such a good idea in light of the reason for his visit.

"You know best, Hephaestion. I just worry for your safety. But never mind. Come, I'll take you to your quarters and then leave you to rest."

They made their way to a large tent next to Alexander's own, Alexander's guards and a couple slaves in tow. Once there, Alexander barked out orders to have Hephaestion's bath drawn and meal prepared. Hephaestion had sunk wearily into one of the chairs in the outer room. The journey had been long and tiring.

After supervising the preparations, Alexander finally turned back to Hephaestion. "I will leave you alone now. Whenever you are ready, have one of pages come and find me. I'll come to you." He searched Hephaestion's face briefly, but couldn't read him. Whatever he was feeling, it was carefully hidden. Hephaestion had always been good at that. With a sigh, Alexander paused in the doorway. "Health to you, Hephaestion. Rest well."

Hephaestion simply nodded, acknowledging the salutation without speaking, jumping slightly at the sound of the tent flap closing. He stood and wandered into the inner room. Two slaves were scurrying about, and a young man that Hephaestion assumed was one of Alexander's pages stood at attention as he entered the room.

"Your bath is prepared, and your meal is ready" the youth spoke somewhat nervously. "I will be here should you need anything." At that, he left to take his post in the outer room.

Hephaestion looked around. The inner room of the tent had a huge, luxurious bed, adorned with thick furs and silk pillows. On the table was enough food for three people. He chuckled softly. Alexander never did think he ate enough. He glanced over at the bath with its steaming water scented with his favorite oils. Hephaestion wondered briefly who this tent had been set up for, but supposed it didn't really matter. He wasn't going to question it.

He sat down to a meal of boiled chicken, fresh fruits, warm bread, and his favorite honey cakes. After eating, he stripped off his dusty clothes and sank gratefully into the fragrant bath, hoping the warmth of the water would ease some of the tension in his muscles. It did help, but not much. He was too on edge to relax.

As he dried himself off and dressed in clean clothing, he thought about all the things he wanted to say to Alexander, hoping he would be able to hold it together long enough to say everything. He had missed Alexander so much, and seeing him again felt almost like a physical blow to his gut. Only the ache in his heart was worse than the knot in his stomach.

Finally he was as ready as he would ever be. He called for the young page who had been waiting in the outer room. The boy immediately rushed in and stood attention in front of Hephaestion.

"Please go and tell Alexander I am ready to speak with him whenever he has the time to do so."

"Yes, sir!" the boy left quickly.

Hephaestion poured himself a cup of wine, drinking deep, and then poured another. He also offered a quick prayer to the gods. This conversation would determine the direction the rest of his life would take. No changing, no going back. This was it. Everything he had, everything he was, depended on the outcome of their talk.

He sat down, closed his eyes, and waited.


	9. Chapter 9

Alexander made his way slowly to Hephaestion's tent. Part of him wanted to run to Hephaestion, grab hold of him, and never let go. Part of him was terrified to face him. He had no idea of the reason for Hephaestion's unannounced visit, and his imagination had been running rampant for the last few hours as he waited for Hephaestion to send for him. He hoped beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, Hephaestion missed him as much as he missed Hephaestion. He had to be realistic, though. The odds of any sort of reconciliation were slim at best.

He paused at the door of the tent, waiting as the guards stepped aside to let him in, and took a deep breath. Alexander felt an odd feeling in his gut, one he wasn't accustomed to feeling…fear. Stepping inside, he felt all the air leave his lungs.

Hephaestion stood beside a small wooden table, holding a cup of wine. He looked up, acknowledging Alexander with a nod and offered him a cup as well. He cursed himself for the slight tremble in his hands as he handed Alexander the wine, praying that he hadn't noticed it. His nerves were as taut as bow strings and he found his mouth suddenly so dry he wasn't sure he could speak. Quickly, he gulped down his cup of wine and a slave rushed to pour another. He motioned to one of the chairs. "Please, Alexander. Sit down."

It took Alexander a moment to register the fact that Hephaestion had indeed spoken to him. He had been too busy staring at him, lost in his own thoughts. Hephaestion looked amazing, as always. He had lost a little weight, which made Alexander frown slightly, but other than that, he looked beautiful. He was dressed in a simple white chiton with a dark blue chlamys draped over his broad shoulders, and simple, laced sandals on his feet. His hair was longer than Alexander remembered, as smooth and shiny as silk, and braided at the sides. Alexander had nearly forgotten how truly stunning Hephaestion was.

Finally he found his tongue again. "Thank you, Hephaestion." He sat down in one of the chairs and downed his cup of wine quickly. The slave moved to fill his cup, but Hephaestion waved him away.

"Leave us" he instructed, then turned to look at the young page that had been on duty, "you as well."

Alexander spoke up, addressing his page. "Instruct the guards that we are not to be disturbed under any circumstance. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir." The young man left the room, followed by the slave, leaving Alexander and Hephaestion alone.

The silence stretched awkwardly as the men looked at each other, not really knowing what to say. After a moment, Alexander cleared his throat and spoke. "I trust you are well, Hepahaestion?"

Hephaestion sat down in the chair opposite Alexander. "I am well. And you?"

"I am fine." He paused. "Things here are…improving. I know Ptolemy has kept you informed on everything that goes on here. How are things in Babylon? Are there any issues I need to be aware of?"

"No, Alexander. Things are fine. Things are running smoothly."

Once again, awkward silence, as neither man spoke. Hephaestion felt very uncomfortable, and was beginning to think this had been a really bad idea.

Alexander sighed heavily and stood, pacing across the room before turning to face Hephaestion. His expression was one of sadness. "Really, Hephaestion? Have we come to this? Can we no longer even speak to each other?"

Hephaestion frowned and shook his head, speaking softly, mostly to himself. "I didn't think this would be so difficult."

The uncertainty, not knowing why Hephaestion was here, was killing Alexander. It was obviously something of great importance for Hephaestion to come here alone, and apparently difficult for him to talk about. He had to ask. "Hephaestion" he said quietly.

Hephaestion looked up, locking eyes with Alexander and seeing fear in them. He swallowed hard.

"Hephaestion", Alexander said again, "why are you here?" He paused. "I mean, I'm very happy to see you. Your visit was just…unexpected."

Hephaestion dropped his gaze and drew a deep breath. He had spent the entire trip from Babylon rehearsing this conversation in his head, planning out exactly what he wanted to say and how Alexander might respond. Now that he was here, face to face with Alexander, he couldn't remember any of it. "Alexander…let me ask you something." He met and held Alexander's gaze once again. "How are you really? And don't tell me 'fine'. I don't mean how you're doing as King or anything like that. I mean, how is Alexander? The one that I know."

Alexander stood silently for a few moments, searching Hephaestion's face but unable to read him. Finally, he sighed heavily and walked the few steps back towards the table, sitting down across from Hephaestion again.

"There is little point in lying to you or trying to hide anything. You know me far too well for that." He took a drink of his wine, taking just a moment to gather his thoughts. "Fine. You want the truth?" He shook his head sadly and looked away. "I'm miserable. Everything I do seems to blow up in my face. The men don't trust me, and I'm not so sure I trust myself either." He looked back to find Hephaestion watching him calmly, his expression still unreadable. "I don't sleep. And I feel empty inside. Nothing I do, nothing I have, seems to help that. I feel….lost."

Hephaestion sat quietly, absorbing all that Alexander had said He really hadn't expected Alexander to be that open, knowing how he tended to hide any semblance of vulnerability in himself. But then again, Hephaestion could always see right through it anyway. His heart beat just a little faster as his nerves suddenly kicked in. Wasn't this exactly what he wanted to hear? Still, hearing the words spoken with such conviction caught Hephaestion slightly off guard. He got lost in his thoughts, startled slightly when he realized Alexander was speaking again.

"I'm sorry Alexander. What did you say?"

"I asked you again, why are you here, Hephaestion? The truth."

Hephaestion looked away as he gathered his thoughts. This is it, you fool. This is why you came. Say what you came to say he told himself. He fixed his gaze on Alexander's dark eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Alexander."

Alexander was confused. "Do…what?"

Hephaestion "Us. This…whatever we have between us." He stood and paced the room nervously. There was no going back now. "Alexander, I am miserable, too. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I…miss you." He shook his head. "I thought I could do this. I didn't think I needed you. I thought I could move past it. But the truth is, I can't."

Alexander felt his heart leap in his chest as that tiny spark of hope he had clung to for nearly a year took on new life. He released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "What are you saying, Hephaestion?"

"I'm saying…my place is with you, Alexander. It always has been. It always will be. You are the other half of my soul, and nothing, not time or distance, will ever change that. Every path I take, they all lead me back to you."

For the first time in so many months, Alexander felt hope.


	10. Chapter 10

Alexander bit back the rush of excitement that ran through his body. He wanted to proceed with caution and assume nothing. "But you have a wife now, Hephaestion. What of her?"

Hephaestion managed a smile. "It was Drypetis who convinced me I needed to come here. She is an intelligent woman, that one. She misses nothing. I think she got tired of watching me suffer and finally put her foot down. She cares for me, enough to let me go."

Alexander rose slowly from his chair and took a few tentative steps towards Hephaestion, who was leaning back against the large post in the center of the room. "Hephaestion, I…." he wasn't sure what to say, terrified of saying the wrong thing and causing Hephaestion to change his mind. As he took a moment to process his thoughts, guilt flooded through him knowing that he was still the reason for everything that had happened. He shook his head slightly in amazement that Hephaestion had come back to him at all. "I have missed you more than you will ever know, Hephaestion. Nothing, none of it, matters without you. " He searched Hephaestion's face, trying hard to read him yet still unable to. Even with his confession, Hephaestion still had his guard up.

Everything in Hephaestion wanted to grab Alexander and wrap him in his arms, never letting go. But he held himself in check. It was too soon, and there was too much they needed to address. "There is much we need to discuss, Alexander. Things must be different between us. I cannot live the way we did before. I'm not a fool, I know things will never be as they once were, but surely we can find a way."

Alexander lowered his head, his gaze dropping. He knew as well as Hephaestion that things would never be the same. He had taken the perfect, untarnished love they once had, and tainted it forever. Nothing could take away what had already been done, but he was willing to give up everything if need be to have Hephaestion back. He felt the sting of tears forming in his eyes, and fought them back. He looked back up at Hephaestion with eyes that were full of regret. "I will do anything, Hephaestion. Anything you ask of me."

Hephaestion saw the brightness of unshed tears in Alexander's eyes, and it was nearly his undoing. He took a couple steps towards Alexander, stopping when they were just a few feet apart. His heart was pounding so hard he thought that surely Alexander could hear it. "I will not share you, Alexander. I will not be an afterthought. Yes, I know you have wives and you have a duty to them, and you need an heir. I can accept that. I have a wife of my own as well. But as for others…and you know exactly what I mean…I will not compromise."

Alexander nodded slowly. "I have not shared my bed with Bagoas or any other lover since you left, if you must know. I have no desire to do so. I've done enough damage already." He shook his head. "How can you want me, Hephaestion? How can you forgive me? How will you ever trust me again?" Against his will, a tear slipped down his cheek. "How can you love me?"

Hephaestion felt tears of his own fill his eyes, and he didn't even try to fight them. He could barely speak. "I never stopped loving you, Alexander. I never stopped wanting you." Tears were coursing freely down his face at this point. "As for forgiving you, that will take some time, but I want that more than anything. Give me your word, Alexander. Give me your word, and I will believe you."

A quiet sob escaped Alexander's lips and he suddenly dropped to his knees in front of Hephaestion, his head bowed. He reached for Hephaestion's hand and gripped it tightly. In a choked voice, he managed to speak. "You have my word, Hephaestion. On my life. I promise you, I belong only to you. Please, forgive me."

Hephaestion choked back a sob of his own, tears flowing unheeded down his cheeks. Never had he seen Alexander so humbled or so vulnerable. The king of the known world was kneeling at his feet, begging forgiveness and asking for another chance. He curled his fingers around Alexander's and tugged gently. "Come up here, Alexander, please."

Alexander rose slowly to his feet, never releasing his grip on Hephaestion's hand. He held his breath, searching Hephaestion's face, wondering if his world was going to come crashing down forever, or if there was still a chance for them. "What would you have me do, Hephaestion? Name it."

Hephaestion stared into dark, red-rimmed eyes and saw nothing but naked honesty in them. What he wanted was simple. "Love me as you once promised, Alexander. That is all that I want from you. Your love. And your word that there will be no others between us, save our wives."

Alexander lifted a trembling hand and hesitantly touched Hephaestion's cheek, brushing away a tear. It seemed so simple. Why did he ever stray from the one man who completed him? He could think of no good reason other than selfish ambition, and that was no excuse. He would not make the same mistake again. "Done. I promise you will never have reason to doubt my love again."

Hephaestion leaned into the touch, closing his eyes with a soft sigh. It had been so long since they had touched each other. The trembling touch of Alexander's fingers on his face made his heart pound even harder. He opened his eyes and reached up, tenderly brushing a stray curl from Alexander's forehead. "That is all I have ever wanted."

Alexander drew a deep breath and swallowed hard, unsure of what Hephaestion would allow. He reached his other hand up and cupped Hephaestion's jaw gently, staring into the bluest eyes he had ever seen. "Hephaestion…" he hesitated, afraid to ask for too much, "Hephaestion…can I…would you let me…" He couldn't speak the words.

Hephaestion knew exactly what he was trying to ask. He slid his arms around Alexander's waist, pulling him closer. "Yes, Alexander. Kiss me."


	11. Chapter 11

Alexander carded his fingers through Hephaestion's hair. It was as soft and silky as he remembered. He paused just briefly, allowing himself a slight smile, and breathing a huge sigh of relief when Hephaestion returned the gesture. Leaning forward, he closed the short distance between them.

When their lips met, it was like their very first kiss. A shiver ran through Alexander's body as they brushed their lips softly together, tentative and unsure, and at that moment nothing else existed but Hephaestion. He pressed his lips a little more, and his knees nearly buckled when the tip of Hephaestion's tongue delicately traced his lips, asking for entrance. He gladly accepted, his own tongue seeking and exploring. He heard a soft whimpering sound and realized it had come from his own throat. He was like a man who had been dying in the desert, finally offered life giving water, and he drank in all that was Hephaestion hungrily. His whole body trembled.

Hephaestion tasted and explored every bit of a mouth that was at once foreign and familiar. It had been so long, and it felt like coming home at last. He tightened his hold on Alexander's waist, pulling him even closer, and deepened the kiss. He could feel Alexander shaking in his arms, and he felt his heart pounding in his chest. Finally, when the need to breathe forced them apart, their lips separated reluctantly.

Alexander pulled back just slightly, his fingers toying with Hephaestion's hair, and he shook his head sadly. "So much time, Hephaestion. So much time I've wasted, so much energy wasted searching for something I had all along. I…."

"Hush, Alexander" Hephaestion interrupted. "The past is the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is move forward, together. As for now, it has been much too long since we were together. I have ached for your touch, dreamed of it." He released his hold on Alexander's waist, taking one of his hands and stepping back. "We have much to make up for." He pulled gently on Alexander's hand, leading him towards the inner room and the bed. He stopped at the foot of the bed and reached up, releasing the pin that held his chlamys in place, allowing it to slide from his shoulders.

Alexander's breath caught in his throat and he held Hephaestion's gaze steadily, more than a little amazed by Hephaestion's forgiving spirit. "Hephaestion…you would still have me? After all I've done?"

Hephaestion smiled gently and nodded. "Come here, Alexander."

Alexander stepped obediently into Hephaestion's arms, sinking into the embrace and sighing contentedly against Hephaestion's neck. He looked up into Hephaestion's eyes and allowed the chiliarch to push the robe from his shoulders and let it fall at his feet. He held his breath as Hephaestion unfastened his chiton and let it fall to his waist, baring his broad chest. He reached up and ran his hands up Hephaestion's chest, feeling his heart beating steadily. Alexander smiled when goose bumps broke out over Hephaestion's body as questing fingers stroked teasingly over a nipple.

Hephaestion hissed in a sharp breath, just that little bit of contact causing him to shiver. He stepped away from Alexander and unfastened the belt at his waist, dropping it to the floor. His chiton slid down his body and he stepped out of it, standing naked and unashamed under Alexander's gaze.

"Gods, Hephaestion…you are so beautiful. I had almost forgotten just how perfect you are." Alexander shook his head in amazement. He had never really understood why Hephaestion wanted him, with all his flaws, when it was obvious Hephaestion could have had anyone he wanted. Alexander thought he finally realized just how much the gods had blessed him by giving him Hephaestion.

Hephaestion pulled back the furs covering the bed and lay back against thick, embroidered silk pillows. "Join me, Alexander. Come to bed."

Alexander wasted no time in stepping out of the silk trousers he was wearing and joined Hephaestion on the bed. He lay on his side facing Hephaestion, reaching his hand up to stroke Hephaestion's hair back from his face. He felt nervous, almost the way he had the first time they had made love. His reunion with Hephaestion was more than he could have ever hoped for, but their relationship was very fragile and he was afraid to move too quickly.

Hephaestion scooted closer to Alexander, wrapping his leg around Alexander's thigh, and putting his arms around him, pulling their bodies flush. At the intimate contact, the warmth of skin against skin, he gasped. This is what he had missed for so long. "Kiss me, Alexander."

Alexander happily obliged. He could not get enough of the taste and feel of Hephaestion. As their kisses grew more passionate, Alexander began a thorough exploration of Hephaestion's lean, muscular body with his hands. He felt Hephaestion shudder and moan into his mouth as he curled eager fingers around the hard length of Hephaestion's arousal. He stroked him, feeling Hephaestion thrust forward into his hand.

Breaking their kiss, Hephaestion panted for breath as Alexander continued to caress him. "Gods, Alexander….that feels so good." He reached his hand down, taking Alexander into his fist and stroking him firmly while leaning forward to kiss his way down Alexander's neck and shoulders. He knew it would not take much for either of them to come just from this, but he wanted more. He wanted more intimate contact. He lifted his hand again, gripping Alexander's shoulder gently, and rolled onto his back, pulling Alexander on top of him. He spread his legs slightly and allowed Alexander to settle between them. "Make love to me, Alexander" he whispered into Alexander's ear.

Alexander felt a tremor run through his body at Hephaestion's words. It had been so long since he had done that, but as much as the idea appealed to him, it wasn't what he wanted. No, he needed to show Hephaestion his total surrender rather than taking the dominant roll. He needed to give himself to Hephaestion. He supported himself on his hands, looking down into the flushed face of Hephaestion, and smiled. "No, Hephaestion" he shook his head before leaning down again to nuzzle Hephaestion's neck tenderly. "I want you to take me, Hephaestion. I want to give myself to you."

Hephaestion was momentarily startled. He had only taken the dominant roll with Alexander a handful of times, and not since they were much younger…before everything changed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I want this, Hephaestion. I need this. I need you."

Hephaestion looked deeply into his eyes and saw nothing but love and trust. "Roll on your side, Alexander." He wanted to hold Alexander in his arms, held tight against his chest, as they made love. It was one of his favorite positions.

Alexander rolled onto his side and Hephaestion spooned behind him, arms and legs wrapped around him holding him close. He shivered as Hephaestion kissed the sensitive back of his neck, and moaned softly as Hephaestion took him in hand again, stroking him.

Hephaestion released his hold on Alexander and sat up, reaching for the bowl of oil on the bedside table. Carefully, slowly, he prepared Alexander, gently stretching him. His fear of hurting him eased as Alexander pressed back against him, encouraging him to continue. Finally ready, he coated himself with the oil and pressed forward steadily. "Gods…" he gasped as he slid into Alexander until they were fully joined.

Alexander pushed back against Hephaestion. He couldn't seem to get close enough, and he had forgotten how good this felt. No one else would ever see this side of him, vulnerable and open. Only Hephaestion, ever. His eyes squeezed shut and a low groan escaped him. He needed more. Hephaestion was moving behind him, thrusting slowly and deeply, but it wasn't enough. "More Hephaestion, please. Give me all that you have."

With a soft growl, Hephaestion picked up his pace, moving faster and harder, his arms still holding Alexander tightly against his chest. He lowered his head and nipped at Alexander's neck as he increased his pace yet again. He was very close to losing it. "Alexander, I'm not going to last. I need to…gods…."

Alexander gripped the silk sheets tightly in his fists as his hips pushed back to meet each thrust. "Let it go, Hephaestion. Just let go."

With a soft moan and a shudder that racked his entire body, Hephaestion thrust deep and came apart, biting down gently on Alexander's shoulder as his release overtook him. As he struggled to catch his breath, he reached down and began stroking Alexander. "Come for me, Alexander."

"Hephaestion!" Alexander breathed softly, thrusting into Hephaestion's grip as he found his own release.

They lay unmoving for several moments before Hephaestion slowly pulled out and rolled them both over so that they were lying on their backs, panting and covered with a faint sheen of sweat. Alexander sat up and looked down at Hephaestion, thinking he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. He gently brushed a sweat dampened strand of hair from Hephaestion's eyes with a hand that shook slightly. "Hephaestion Amyntoros. I pledge my love to you. I swear to you that I belong only to you, and that I will never again take you for granted." He smiled softly. "You have given me a gift that is far beyond what I deserve."

Hephaestion returned the smile and captured Alexander's hand in his own, twining their fingers together. "I love you, my Alexander. And you are MY Alexander." He tugged Alexander's hand, pulling him back down to lay across Hephaestion's chest. He threaded his fingers through Alexander's soft, damp curls, kissed him gently and smiled at him again. "We have much making up to do."

Alexander kissed him back and then sat up again. "I'll order a bath and a meal for us. I don't want to do anything tonight but hold you in my arms. Everything else can wait."


	12. Chapter 12

After a shared meal, they settled into the bath together, Hephaestion leaning back against Alexander's chest and wrapped in his arms, just as Alexander had said. "What now, Alexander? What are you plans from here? Will we be going back to Babylon?"

Alexander nodded. "Yes, we will. It is my home now. But first, we are going to stop in Ecbatana. I want us to spend some time there. I want the men to relax and celebrate. And you and I…we have so much to make up for."

"There is still much we should talk about, Alexander." Hephaestion could think of a million things they needed to talk about, not the least of which was the fact that he would be a target of ridicule yet again, this time for crawling back to Alexander…or at least that is how some of them would see it. "You do realize that things will not be easy from here on out."

Alexander chuckled softly. "Have they ever been easy, Hephaestion? Life with me is never easy, you know that." He shook his head.

Hephaestion laughed lightly. "Oh I'm quite well aware of that. Loving you is…challenging." He smiled as Alexander gently thumped him on the head, laughing himself. "On a more serious note, Alexander, you know some of the others will attack me and say that I couldn't make it on my own and had to come crawling back to you."

Alexander frowned. "I know, I've thought of that. But do you really care what they think? Most of the men love you, and most of them will be very happy to see you back. I think they trust you far more than they trust me, and they know you will make me behave. Or at least try to behave." He laughed. "Those that have a problem with you will have to answer to me."

"I can handle it, Alexander. Let them think what they will." He paused. "Things have been quite difficult with the men, haven't they? Ptolemy has kept me up to date on everything that has taken place."

"I really have done a bang up job of screwing things up, haven't I? The men still don't trust me. I'm no fool. They say one thing, but their actions tell me something else. They don't want to be here, and they resent the things I've done to try and appease them." Alexander sighed. "I could have used you here, Hephaestion. With your wise counsel, I might have made better decisions."

"You understand why I had to leave, though, right? I couldn't stay here with you and not be with you. It was just too hard." He toyed with a flower petal that was floating in the warm bath. "That was the hardest thing I've ever done, Alexander. Walking away from you. I never want to feel that way again. I don't know that I would survive it a second time."

Alexander tightened his hold on Hephaestion. "You will never have to, I give you my word. I doubt I would survive it myself." He kissed the top of Hephaestion's head and sighed happily. "We have the rest of our lives ahead of us, Hephaestion. I plan on spending every moment of it showing you just how much I love you."

Hephaestion smiled. "I like the sound of that." He was happy for the first time in longer than he could remember, and he looked forward to their future together.


End file.
